The Difference Between Need and Being Needy
“I don’t need you. I want you, but I don’t need you. I don’t need anyone.”
I have said these exact words to partners in my past, in a very firm way, and never understood why they always flinched. I have argued this view with girlfriends of mine, vehemently defending my stance of not needing anyone while they did their best to get me to understand how hurtful this sounds to a partner. This view, my view, always made so much sense to me. And it always seemed way better to be wanted by someone than needed by someone.
To me, needing someone showed weakness or a lack of self that required someone else to step in and hold you up, or “complete” you. It felt NEEDY. Which, even typing the word, makes me slightly cringe. Being raised by a single mother who always made it very clear it was her and I against the world and we needed no one else, and experiencing needing others as dangerous because they would inevitably let you down; one can understand why I stood strong by my view.
After dissecting my stance and my physical cringing around the word or idea of being needy, I have come to realize that my point of view is still valid. It is far healthier and more valuable to want someone versus need someone, IF that need is coming from a needy place. The way we talk about romantic relationships in this culture skews toward being…
